Understanding and Managing Anger: A Path to Healing

Understanding and Managing Anger: A Path to Healing

Have you ever found yourself consumed by anger—whether triggered by an injustice, a situation that didn’t go your way, or even something seemingly small that hit a nerve? Anger can feel overwhelming and all-consuming, often leaving us feeling out of control or frustrated with ourselves.

Whether you’re currently in therapy, have been in the past, or have never experienced it, we've all encountered moments of intense anger. You might wonder: How can I manage this? How can I lessen the intensity and the pain of this experience for myself and others around me?

This article offers a fresh perspective on anger, informed by the Internal Family Systems (IFS) IFS Therapy Alberta and provides tools to handle and heal from it—both for yourself and your relationships.

Understanding Anger as a Part of Us

In my years as a therapist, I’ve worked with many clients experiencing anger, often directed at someone or something that feels unjust or frustrating. Over time, I’ve learned how to help people work through this intense emotion, and I’m happy to share what I’ve discovered.

The first thing to recognize is that anger is not the entirety of who we are—it is a part of us. In the IFS model, we talk about different parts of ourselves, each with its own role. Anger is often a “Protector” part, trying to shield a more vulnerable part of us, which we call an “Exile.”

These “Exiles” hold our deepest pain, shame, or fear, and anger steps in to protect us from feeling those difficult emotions. For example, if you grew up feeling powerless or mistreated, anger might arise to defend against that vulnerability, making you feel powerful or in control instead. While this protection may have been helpful at some point in your life, it can become unhelpful or even destructive as time goes on.

Unblending from the Anger

When someone feels consumed by anger, it can feel like that part of them is their entire being in that moment. In therapy (and in our own self-reflection), a major goal is to help people “unblend” from that angry part—to create some distance between themselves and the emotion so they can observe it more calmly and manage it more effectively.

This process takes time and patience. The more we can access what IFS calls “Self energy”—a state of curiosity, compassion, and calm—the smoother this unblending becomes.

If you find yourself feeling angry, start by validating your own experience. It’s important to acknowledge that the anger is there for a reason. Even if it feels overwhelming, your feelings are valid. However, it’s also important to understand that anger is trying to protect something deeper within you—your vulnerability.

Compassionate Curiosity: A Key to Healing

Once you recognize that anger is protecting a vulnerable part of yourself, you can begin to approach it with curiosity. In IFS, we often ask clients questions like, “What is this anger afraid would happen if it didn’t show up?” This simple but powerful question opens the door to deeper understanding.

Anger often fears that if it doesn’t take over, you’ll be hurt or exposed in some way. Beneath the anger, there might be feelings of powerlessness, shame, or rejection—emotions that anger is trying to keep at bay.

It can be uncomfortable to acknowledge these vulnerable feelings, especially if you’ve spent years pushing them away. Many people who struggle with anger hate their vulnerability. They might even feel disgusted by it, seeing it as a weakness. But the path to healing involves getting curious about these feelings, approaching them with compassion rather than judgment.

The Long Game: Working with Anger Takes Time

Working with anger is not a quick fix. It’s a long process that requires patience and self-compassion. In therapy, we often take small steps, helping clients unblend from their anger little by little. Each time we do this, we create more space for curiosity, compassion, and eventually healing.

One important step is helping clients recognize that anger doesn’t have to dominate them. Over time, they learn to ask themselves: “What would happen if I didn’t feel this anger? What is it trying to protect me from?”

As the work progresses, it becomes easier for clients to recognize the triggers that lead to anger. They can begin to unpack what caused anger to feel necessary in a given situation, and over time, they may be able to respond more calmly, accessing their “Self” energy rather than letting the anger take over.

Repairing Relationships Impacted by Anger

Another key part of healing from anger is learning how to repair relationships that may have been damaged by it. When someone feels ready, it can be helpful to ask: “Have you had a chance to repair that encounter?”

Repairing a relationship after a moment of anger can be challenging, but it’s a crucial step in rebuilding trust and connection. It involves acknowledging the impact of the anger on the other person and taking responsibility for your actions, all while maintaining compassion for yourself.

Anger in Relationships: A Complex Dynamic

If you’re working through anger on your own, it can be a relatively straightforward process of self-reflection. However, when anger shows up in relationships—whether romantic, familial, or otherwise—it adds a layer of complexity.

In these situations, it can be difficult to know whose pain to attend to first: the person feeling the anger or the person on the receiving end of it. This is a delicate balance, but one that can be navigated with care and open communication.

In therapy, I often share this dilemma with clients, helping them recognize that this dynamic happens in everyday life as well. By working together, we can create an alliance around the difficulty of managing these intense emotions within relationships.

The Deeper Truth: Anger Is Vulnerability in Disguise

At its core, anger may seem like pure aggression, but it’s not. It is often a mask for deep vulnerability and pain. When we can see anger in this way, it becomes easier to approach it with compassion rather than judgment.

This shift in perspective can be incredibly powerful. Instead of seeing anger as something to be feared or suppressed, we can begin to view it as a part of ourselves that needs attention and care. Over time, this compassionate approach can lead to healing—not just for ourselves, but for our relationships and the people we care about.

The Journey Ahead

Working with anger is a journey, but it’s one that is worth taking. By approaching our angry parts with curiosity, compassion, and patience, we can begin to understand the deeper vulnerabilities beneath the anger. This understanding opens the door to healing, growth, and healthier relationships with ourselves and others.

Whether you are currently in therapy or simply reflecting on your own experiences, know that the path to healing from anger is possible. It may take time, but with patience and self-compassion, the rewards are extraordinary.

If this resonates with you, and you feel ready to explore these emotions more deeply, consider reaching out to a therapist trained in IFS or a similar approach. You deserve to walk this path of healing with support and care.